Why defining your own definitions is important !!
There are words and then there are meanings attached to those words. Every word has either one or all of these things attached to it — a feeling, a convention, a ritual, a model, an action and so much more. When someone asks me, so did you party this weekend? I first ask them what is their definition of a ‘party’. Group of people coming together, going somewhere, dancing, drinking, traveling, just chit-chatting for hours, sharing memories, having a good time together are widely understood as partying.
Also sitting in a crowd with a fake smile trying to blend in somehow, talking about meaningless shit, going out just because you did not want to feel left out, eating junk to satisfy our tastebuds and expanding our bellies, getting dressed up and clicking pictures to garner likes, comments and public love to fulfill the innate need for appreciation and lack of self-love also comes in the category of party. These are some of the commonly accepted notions of partying in present-day society. But that doesn’t have to be your definition of fun and contentment.
The goal is to feel happy, content and fulfilled. You have to ask yourself, do these things actually make me fulfilled from inside? You have to keep questioning. You have to question the questions. And question the answers. Until you reach the root. You will get the answer. Perhaps for you, finishing that incomplete novel, taking up that course on Udemy, spending time alone, learning to ride a car, a solo trip, trying yoga and dance , attending a conference, a stand up comedy event, a classical music show, answering that question on Quora, solving maths equations and aptitude problems, solving problems related to your skills, chalking out the plan to up your skills and taking yourself to the next level, sitting in the library in absolute silence and reading, running a marathon, meditating, spending time with your family, spending time with your dog, cat , lion ( yes people have lion as pets too :-)) is what will truly make you feel content in the now as well as in the long run. The point is to define your own definition.
There are multiple paths to reach the same destination. You have to decide which one truly attracts you. I am not telling you to live in isolation, but find meaning in what you do. It could be the widely accepted notion which everyone follows and it is perfectly fine if it is not. It is the latter part which gets us baffled. We want to fit in, blend in for no reason.
How do you start defining your own definitions? By working on yourself. There is no other way. I had this strong realization and eureka moment which I would like to share with you. Things got a bit messy at my first job. I won’t go into the details here. I was discussing it with one of my friends in the same company. He told me, “Nikhil it’s you who are scared and incapable, that’s the reason you are fucked up. You don’t have it in you right now to stand for what you want. It’s not so much about them, its all about you. Unless you work upon yourself you will be like this forever.” He was so much right. I had my ego bruised and pride hurt. I somehow felt the same deep down and his words just brought it to the surface and made everything clear. That’s one of the best pep talks I have had in so many years. True and to the point. No bullshit, that you will get through it easily, this too shall pass and all of that.
It forced me to introspect and I consciously started working on my skills. I chalked out a plan. I must have been able to follow fifty percent of it. But that’s not the point. Here I was trying to make a comeback, not for someone else, or to prove to someone else, but for myself. It was the process which made me stronger, enabled me to define my own definitions. You can’t be just sitting on a couch whole day, snacking and then want to have things your way. You won't have the confidence. Confidence is the key. And confidence comes from self-improvement. By making a choice to consciously work on yourself and not bothering so much about the results.
You have to be in a zone where you are ready to work on yourself without the fear and expectations of the outcome. If things go your way fine if it doesn’t then you are ready to sweep floors or teach primary school kids for a living. Whatever it takes !! But you should be wanting to fail. You want to fail badly now. You want to solve. You want to decode. You ask for help. You work on your mind. You cut the bullshit. Wanting to fail is a much greater determinant of success than wanting to succeed itself. Mark Manson, the author of ‘The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck’ puts this beautifully
If I ask you, “What do you want out of life?” and you say something like, “I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like,” your response is so common and expected that it doesn’t really mean anything. Everybody enjoys what feels good. Everyone wants to live a carefree, happy, and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when they walk into the room. Everybody wants that. It’s easy to want that. A more interesting question, a question that most people never consider, is, “What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?” Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.
Manson, Mark. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (2 Book Series)) (p. 36). Harper. Kindle Edition.
Fast forward to four months, I took a decision and left my job when I had 1.5 years of experience straight out of college. I remember that day, I was sitting in my office and waiting for a recruiter’s answer for a job application I had put. I called them at 12 and they said they’ll let me know by 12:30 pm if I was selected. I decided at first that if I get selected I’ll leave else I’ll have to wait till I find a new job. But at 12:20 pm I decided, I’ll leave, whatever the fuck the answer may be. I made up my mind. A job assurance was not worth my peace of mind. I was.
I know leaving a job is no big deal but it was also not so common initially. I remember the usual assumptions that exist when you quit your job. You are supposed to have a ‘back up’, a ‘new job’, a ‘grand plan’, ‘a vacation’ or something like that when you are moving from your current job. I didn’t have any. I did not want to. I decided nothing is worth my peace of mind. That’s it. I don’t care if I have a backup or not. I felt light as a feather the next morning I woke up. I defined my own definition of leaving a job, my own parameter. People around me were startled a bit since it was unconventional, brave, rash, foolish, naive, childish. Perhaps they were all right or all wrong. It doesn’t have to matter. I was happy with my decision, that’s it.
I have recently adopted a healthy lifestyle. At least that’s what I think. I have been eating 200 grams of cottage cheese for lunch daily for the last 3 months and nothing else. I have cut down on sugar. I lost 6 kgs. I wasn’t fat but I didn’t feel fit either. I go to dance fitness, strength training, yoga, boxing, meditation. No, I am not that regular type of guy. All I can say is I have been consistently inconsistent. I can see my muscle definitions when I remove my T-shirt post-workout. But I also sleep for 14 hours when I feel like. I also do work for 14 hours straight when I want to.
I go out for eating still but consciously choose my food. I don’t care if you eat a sizzling brownie, bathe yourself in alcohol or intoxicate yourself to the point that you are sprinting on one leg. I am gonna eat the same old salad and drink lime soda anyway. And if someday I feel like I will gulp down the entire brownie too. I will decide when to and what not to. Not the society, not the norms, but what truly feels right to me at that moment. I will define. Because that’s so much essential. Doing something because you ‘want to’, not because you have to. There is no ‘have to’, there shouldn’t be any. It has to come from the inside. Only then you will experience true joy.
